Alhamdulillah

All praise to the Merciful.. Who has created me even I had done nothing to deserve existence.. Who guides me when I deserve no guidance.. Who loves me when I deserve no attention.. He the most high.. Alhamdulillah...

Ahlan ya Ramadhan!!

Time passes real quick.. Now it's the time of the year again.. Ramadhan, month of mercy... I overheard a conversation in the train on my way home yesterday.

Minah Saleh A: It's Ramadhan next week. 'Guy A' is going to fast next week.

Minah Saleh B: O.. really?? So he won't eat at all for a month?

Minah Salleh A: Not really.. He can only eat when the sun's down.

Minah Salleh B: How can they live like that for a month?

Minah Salleh A: Not even a sip of water..

Minah Salleh B: I heard they can't have sex. But for a whole month?

(I can't kept a straight face anymore at this point.. Don't they have other things to worry about? *shrugged*)

Minah Salleh A: Oh.. Just when they are fasting. He can't touch his girl when the sun's up. otherwise it's ok I think.

Minah Salleh B: Oh my.. I can't really understand why they'd do it... (with a smirk)

Me: EXACTLY!! YOU DON'T!! (not out loud though.. ngehehe.. Wasn't close enough to interrupt)

I'm not really sure if the topic was brought up because I was there in the next row opposite them or it's a mere coincidence (I should say fate.. but you get it don't ya?). But ya.. exactly!! they don't know.. if only they knew.. if only they knew..

well.. that's MY job to make them know!!

My life as an instant geneticist...

Not sure what I'm doing or wether I did it right.. heheh.. Guess I'm pretty talented at pretending that I know it all when in fact I know nothing more than the title of my project... muahahah... And the excuse behind not knowing anything will be.. 'oh.. I've been sick so I don't really get to do the research at home and I'm always busy with something elses when I'm in the office... uhuk2 *coughing*' and my supervisor will always buy that probably coz I haven't stop coughing for months... *grin* But it's true though.. I've been feeling crappy for months.. haven't been eating properly for weeks... I can tell that I'm losing a bit of weight.. which I think is a good thing.. hihihi..

It's fun though... never before I feel this motivated each morning waking up looking forward for what lies ahead of me. So eager to get things done.. to know more (probably an overstatement).. to explore the world of genetic research where everything is so unfamiliar and new (a bit scary too)..

It makes me realize how vast Allah's knowledge is... I mean.. My research is only about 1 single base mutation in 1 exon on a chromosome. yet there's sooo much to know.. soo much to learn. and there's like 3 000 000 000 base pairs in a chromosome.. not to mention how many chromosomes there are in a cell and how many cells there are in a human body... and Allah has inspire us human to research on that. to learn about it.. mapping every single base pair in each chromosome... and not to mention other fields of knowledge... Subhanallah... I can't believe there are people who don't believe in creation... Genius! there are too smart that they are blind and stupid..

Sabar jelah...

Dengan sungguh sabar sekali aku tulis blog ni walaupun kelopak mata berat 1 tan dah. walau aku tau memang takde org lain baca pon melainkan aku juga... tp niatku tulis ni bukan nk suruh org baca pun.. takpelah.. sabar jelah..

Hidup satu perjuangan. dari sebelum ovum bertemu sperma sampai hari ini aku masih berjuang. Masa belum jd fetus lagi sperma yg bwk separuh gene aku berjuang bermati2an nk bertemu ovum. bak kata lecturerku 'sperms are like homing pigeon..' biar kat mana pun tetap nak berenang menuju ovum. Bila nak keluar perut mak pun berjuang nk keluar birth canal tu bukan senang... Dah keluar kena berjuang nangis sekuat mungkin utk bukak paru-paru aku. Lepas tu nak dpt attention mak.. nak susu... nak main.. nak apa aje kena berjuang. paling koman rengek2... Dah besar sikit still kena berjuang.. nak rebut mainan, nak beli mainan, nak eskrem sume kena berjuang. Masuk sekolah pun berjuang nak buat homework, nak nampak cool, nak ada kawan, nak cari glamer?, nak excel upsr, pmr, spm.. semuanye kena berjuang. Pendek kata sepanjang masa aku berjuang.. nak tido pun kena berjuang...

Oleh sebab itulah aku kena sabar jelah....

Sabar dengan ujian... Allah banyak menguji. Satu hari Allah tarik kesihatan. Semua yg manis rasa hambar... hilang segala nikmat... sabar jelah... dulu ada nikmat kenapa x syukur? Satu hari Allah tarik nikmat kelapangan... Kerja lagi byk dr masa... kejar sana kejar sini... sabar je lah... dulu ada masa knp buang?

sabar buat kebajikan... kadang2 rasa penat asyik buat baik (tanda tak ikhlas la tu)... kenapa asyik aku je kena mengalah... tiap2 bulan kena sedekah, bila nak simpan duit?.. asyik2 kena tolong dia ni.. x pernah pun dia tolong aku.. sabar je lah...

sabar dari buat kejahatan... kejahatan tu indah... bestnye tgk movie.. best jugak kalo ada boyfriend... kalo makan riba cepat kaya... tp Allah maha mengetahui... sabar jelah...

Sabar.. sabar.. sabar...

kenapa susah sgt nk sabar??

Stealing bones i.e. curik tulang

Heh.. takdela curi tulang pun sbnrnye.. I opt to not having lunch and save some spaces for a big dinner.. muehehe.. so bagi mengisi masa yg takde la lapang mane ni menarik juga kalau mengarut2 kat sini.. (baikla baca qur'an) nway... I'm a bit lonely today. office mate semua xde. 2 org dlm misi melarikan diri.. sorg lagi ada exam plak hari ni. Pastu hari ni pulak xde bende nk buat sgt pun. duduk n baca journals yg melambak2 kat atas meja. adoiiii... mengantuk tahap koala rasanye...

ni dah masuk minggu keempat dah aku melangguk kat opis ni. satu hapa pun tak start lagi. Hari2 dtg lepak2 kat sini harapkan ehsan supervisor ajak buat apa2 yg patut. kalo tak duk la baca journal2 yg makin hari makin bertambah bilangannya.. huhu... but anyhow aku dpt pengalaman agak best la jugak... blaja byk benda.. yg paling best skali aku belaja politik tempat keje.. muehehehe... aku ni innocent sgt sblm ni... nampak diorg baik sgt2.. tp itulah.. bukan nak bersangka buruk tp kena lebih beringat... aku ada agenda aku. Jangan terlarut dlm agenda diorg plak.. aku bukannya lama kat sini pon...

Sebenarnya 2-3 minggu ni betul2 uji hati aku dr segi sangkaan buruk aku pd supervisor2 aku tu. bayangkanlah.. baru beberapa hari dtg sini dgn penuh keexcitedan tiba2 dpt pulak cerita seramm pasal supervisor aku dr ofismate. Hari2 aku jumpa supervisor aku aku mesti terfikir2 apa betulkah cerita2 itu.. nak concentrate pun payah. sometimes aku rasa bersalah dgn diri sendiri sbb bersangka buruk dgn diorg. padahal diorg baik je ngan aku... cet... ada ke patut aku jadikan dalil kata2 ofismate aku yg entoh betl entoh tidak..

...

Pengabaian.. heh.. udah lebih sepurnama daku tidak menjenguk blog bosanku ini... Maaf la ye sang blog jika ada hak tidak tertunai. Kalau dulu aku rasa aku busy skarang baru aku tahu apa kebendenye 'busy' itu. Dulu takde istilah TERlelap dlm hidup aku tp skang aku boleh terlelap bila tunggu org. cett..

Tapi apa-apa pun.. aku kata aku busy.. masih ada orang yang lebih busy dari aku.. Aku mohon ampun kpd akhawati kalau hak tak tertunai.. Jiddiyah tak cukup tinggi nak juggle btwn kebusyan dunia and kehectican perjuangan dgn saksama... uhuk..

Point of no return

I've abandoned my dear beanie bag for quite sometimes now.. no coffee either.. hehe.. nway.. who really cares..

Exam baru je habis. Not sure what to expect. Thought I did well... Tapi who knows.. Tawakal saje lah.. nothing left to do but lean back and pray. Alhamdulillah Allah helps me through it. Everything's smooth and silky.. a few bumps lah.. tp overall it was allright.

Habis exam ni tetiba all the urge, all the bright ideas of having fun just vanish... and I am left alone with a deep sorrow I just fail to understand. Too many regrets.. too many opportunities left untouched... Whatever.. brush it off.. istighfar.. and keep moving girl!! There's more to life than this whole self-pitying thing.. You can't move far if you kept looking back but do nothing about it.. action is what we need here... Don't just cry over your dying heart.. mend it.. fix it.. get a cardiologist if you need one... (so not funny..)

Aku akan pulang ke tanah air tak lama lagi. Mungkin itu yang menggugat ketenangan jiwaku. I'm not ready to go back... Terlalu besar cabarannya... Tak pernah aku betul2 berjaya mengkontrol diri kalau kat malaysia. Susah benar. paling kurang mesti ter 'engage' dgn borak2 tak berpekdah. Bila diajak berjumpa kawan2 lama apatah lagi. paling kurang adalah sekali ditanya 'dah ada boyfriend?'. lepas tu berlarut2 pasal lelaki.. 'takkan takde org lagi kut.?' 'lelaki kat sana takde yang hensem ke?' 'cari la sorang untuk aku sekali' arrggghhh... apa nak buat aku sengih saja lah.. susah2.. dunia mau kiamat.. xde pemisahan antara haq dan batil.. disini segalanya terlalu mudah... tiada siapa melarang aku utk berbuat baik.. tiada siapa pertikaikan aku bila aku push away semua lelaki2... yang aku dapat hanya penghormatan... tapi kalau di sana, if I keep doing what I do here, akulah kolot.. akulah jumud.. akulah berlagak best.. arggghhh... apekah ini.. baca quran in public bila ada masa lapang pun tak boleh ke?? pakai baju labuh sikit rimas orang tengok?? apa masalah?? Kenapa susah nak jadi muslim di negara islam?? kenapa?? kenapa?? tak paham aku kenapa kalo aku pergi oversea aku kena ada boyfriend.. aku kena pakai pakaian 'modern'.. aku kena berlagak minah saleh..

kesimpulannya.. suka hati akulah aku nak jadi apa... asal Allah suka... huh..

What's legal and what's right?

Saat ini aku tengah pening. Dah muak dah tengok lecture notes.. tengok cacing2, bakteria2, virus2, nanah2, najis2, kahak2, pustules dan sebagainya. Aku try baca ethics. Huh, menyusahkan hidup pulak Encik Ethics ni. Makcik lecturer keep on emphasizing 'you need to know the legal right in case you end up in court'. So, you need to know what's legal just to save your ass but you make your judgement according to your moral value?? does that make sense to anyone?? Why bother having 2 different sets of right?? can't we just have one?? THE one that'll suit both?

If someone refuse feeding by mouth, according to civil right you can't force them to eat but morally you are obliged not to let them starved to death. So what you do is you wait till he's mentally incompetent to decide on his own (low glucose make your mind deteriorate.. not a fun way to die.. dying is never fun though.. unless u r a martyr.. heh..) Then, you are now legally able to make a decision for them and feed them. Does that make sense to anyone?? Huh.. that seem pretty inconsistent to me.. not a perfect law..

Its legal for you to take a patient off his ventilator if he wanted to even you know that with Allah's will he'll definitely die without it but it's illegal for you to administer drug that'll kill him even if he asked you to because that's considered actively killing him. I thought you need some ATP to move your muscle to actually pull off the ventilator probably even more than it is needed to plunge a syringe into patient's I.V. and inject some lethal drug that'll make both of you go to hell (if you don't repent lah). And from what I learn in chemistry.. any activity requiring ATP is active. so.. wouldn't that mean you're actively killing the patient either way?? Does that make sense to anyone?? huh.. again.. it really really is not a perfect law..

And they say it all lies in the intention. Huh.. 1400 years ago that rule has been established by an unlettered man in the middle of the desert. Doesn't even need a genius fancy 'House of lords'... but why toss away the completely established law sent down by our Lord (not the lords who learn legal right from some kind of university taught by another mere mortal.. )??

Lesson for life...

Makhluk halus ini adalah Giardia lamblia. Ni bukanlah jin mahupun syaitan... hanyalah sejenis protozoa. Kalau masuk perut boleh dapat cirit birit... Comel tak?? (oh.. I'm a freaking weirdo!!) Sape rasa comel angkat tangan...

Aku tgh belajar untuk exam ni... tetiba dpt pencahayaan agung (di bawah pokok Bo??). Rasa menggatal nak blogging.. huh.. takde keje.. alkisahnya ada makhluk-makhluk halus yg buat aku x jadi belajo.. (suka ati aku nak salahkan setan..)

satu hari ni aku telah diberi ilmu dari Allah melalui perantaraan lecturerku bahawasanya makhluk-makhluk halus seperti encik Giardia (en. G) ini takde kerja lain idup dia melainkan nak beranak pinak saje... hidup diorg ni ikut satu cycle yg same je... contohnya en. G ini mula-mula masa dia kecik2 dulu dari dlm air yg dicemari najis masuk dlm perut org malas nk masak air. pastu kat dlm usus org tu dia sampai akil baligh la kut.. dah besar kat lam usus tu dia mula la beranak pinak.. (maka sakit la perut org tu.. sape suruh minum air tak bersih.. huh) lepas tu bila org sakit perut tu buang air keluarlah anak beranak en.G ni bersama tinja itu masuk ke dlm air.. pastu ada pulak org lain yg mls nak masak air minum..

Itu kisah hidup en G si makhluk halus ni. Kisah hidup aku? Lahir.. Masuk sekolah sana sini.. Dapat Kerja.. Kahwin.. Dapat anak.. aku mati.. anak aku besar... kahwin... aku dapat cucu.. anak aku mati.. cucu aku pulak kawin.. sampailah beranak pinak aku. Aik?? macam sama je aku ngan en G ni. Takkan la kut. Aku ni manusia. EnG tu setakat makhluk halus je.. otak pun xde. huh.. hinanye...

Aku tak nak lah jadi macam EnG ni. Aku ni 'khairu ummah'... kenalah aku act like one... I have a purpose... Akulah saksi kpd agamaku...

Enough pasal enG ni. aku ada byk cerita pasal makhluk halus yg lain jugak. Agak mistique jugak la cerita ni.. (Jangan biarkan hidup anda diselubungi... M.I.S.T.E.R.I.) Hehe.. ni nak cerita pasal beberapa ekor Toxoplasama gondii. Makhluk halus yg ni seperti juga syaitan suka hidup di dalam manusia... huh.. scary... Oklah.. sesiapa yg berminat boleh dapatkan encik Toxo ini dari najis kucing2 yang berhampiran.. muahahaha...

Ok berbalik kepada kemisterian Toxo ini... encik Toxo ini suka duk kat dalam tikus punya kepala hotak. Bila duk kat dlm kepala tu mula lah dia menjalankan kerja2 penghasutannya. Bisik2 mcm encik syaitan. huh.. scary lagi... Untuk encik Toxo ni beranak pinak dia kena masuk dlm kucing pulak. Sebab tulah dia duk bisik2 kat cik mickey mouse ni suruh pegi dekat dengan encik pussy cat. Huish.. jahat sungguh.. bahaya tu encik mickey mouse!!!

Macam setan la pulak encik Toxo ni. Kesian mickey mouse kena tipu.. dah tahu kucing suka makan tikus tapi nak pergi jugak. huhuhu... aku pun kena tipu kat setan camtu jugak ke?? Dah tahu BAHAYA buat dosa tapi nak buat jugak... Tipah tertipu... tertipu dengan sape?? SETAN??

maka syaitan membujuk keduanya (untuk memakan buah itu) dengan tipu daya. Tatkala keduanya telah merasai buah kayu itu, nampaklah bagi keduanya aurat-auratnya, dan mulailah keduanya menutupinya dengan daun-daun surga. Kemudian Tuhan mereka menyeru mereka: "Bukankah Aku telah melarang kamu berdua dari pohon kayu itu dan Aku katakan kepadamu: "Sesungguhnya syaitan itu adalah musuh yang nyata bagi kamu berdua?" (22:22)

Bestkan belajar microbiology ni?? mesti aku dapat score full mark kalo macam ni.. ngehehe...

SAMPAH... kenapa dikutip?

Orang gila manakah yang...

Buang sampah kat tempat pelupusan sampah n feeling happy about it, tapi lepas tu kutip balik sampah tu?

Jatuh longkang.. balik mandi bersih2.. rasa segar bugar n bahagia.. tapi keluar je bilik air pergi masuk longkang balik?

Wahai diriku.. sudah kau tahu itu sampah, kenapalah nak dikutip???

"Dan sesungguhnya telah Kami perintahkan kepada Adam dahulu, maka ia lupa (akan perintah itu), dan tidak Kami dapati padanya kemahuan yang kuat." (20:115)

Dan tidaklah kudapati pada diriku ini kemahuan yang kuat.. tsk.. tsk.. Dan jika sekiranya aku bertaubat kemudiannya kembali membuat dosa maka takde la bertaubat namenye tu... tsk.. tsk..

Taubat:
Stage 1: recognising one's sin.. seeking to rid oneself from the evil consequences...
Stage 2: Seek refuge from Allah from sinning.

wahai diriku... PERSISTENT ON SIN IS ANOTHER SIN!!!
Allah isn't guiding me away from sin... 'walam najid li 'azma'.. kerana takde pada diriku azam...

wahai diriku... you are running away from you Lord, captured in the grip of shaytan... tsk..tsk.. tsk..

dan sesungguhnya the state of repentance is only given to those who are Allah concious... Fattaqullah!!!

and weep for your dying heart....

'I'm out to fight the devil but never fought myself

Read a thousand books but never read myself

My souls starving it needs to be fed

lord I need your help

Hell with the devil my biggest enemy's myself

It makes me wonder am I doing this for the right reasons

I mean the money the fame and game all sounds appealing

Instead of entertaining I prefer to enlighten

But then again who am I to be in a position

To represent a whole generation of kids and to make them believe

till this day I still struggle to uphold my deen

I read a 100 'God is great' in less then a minute

And though my tongue is fast like twista

My hearts not in it'

Tears...

'ma lakum? kaifa tahkumun?'

What's the matter with me? How did I make judgement?

'Do you teach others alKitab and forgotten yourself??'

---------------

Random thought

I was browsing people's friendster profile for hours yesterday (as if I had nothing better to do). To cut things short I'd just say Malaysian had just had a very 'malignant neoplastic transformation'. If I have a child, I will never raise him/her in Malaysia. Or maybe I will but I might need to design a safe bubble to put my child in. Filters everything out.. Or I might just try to get a pious hubby.. the third choice will be much easier.. ngeheh.. kidding..

But uh.. I dunno.. mungkin aku ni jumud.. alhamdulillah Allah selamatkan aku. Dari kecik dpt didikan agama.. masuk sekolah agama.. bila kuar sekolah agama pun sebab aku dulu sekolah agama jadi org respect aku.. so aku kekalkanlah imej keagamaanku (tp bukan ats sbb tu je lahhh).. bila keluar pegi oversea pun Allah kenalkan aku dengan agamaku.. Alhamdulillah.. Aku x hadapi byk halangan dlm mempraktikkan agamaku. and alhamdulillah Allah kurniakan furqan.. aku dpt bezakan mana baik mana buruk. Cumanye.. aku di Malaysia selalu dlm kelompok budak 'baik'. mungkin sebab tu mata aku tak terbuka. aku x nampak. sume org nampak baik je. Bila pergi oversea ni adalah nampak bende x baik sikit. but I thought this is the west. Expected la tuh.

Sedih.. dulu kawan2 sekolah semua pakai tudung labuh... sekarang ada yang pakai tudung ala ala bienda. gambo frienster toksah kate lah.. tudung entoh ke mana... mungkin kat luar xde la bukak tudung kut.. mungkin dia terlupa nak pakai kut.. xpun mungkin friendster dia open to ladies je.. aku bersangka baik... Tapi yg paling x larat sekali bila tengok gambo dua2 dgn bf @ tunang @ bakal suami. huh.. caption bukan main lagi. Ya Allah.. wahai kawan2ku kat Malaysia.. dulu kita sekolah agama.. belajar dengan ustaz yang sama... apa korg tak ingat ke kita pernah belajar... laki pompuan mane buleh cenggitu duduknya... mana buleh pegang2 ni... ke tu ilusi aku je.. ke sebenarnya aku mimpi je ustaz ajor gitu? mungkin jugak ustaz x ajor.. tapi rasulullah ajor.. Allah ajor..

"... Apabila kamu meminta sesuatu (keperluan) kepada mereka (isteri- isteri Nabi), maka mintalah dari belakang tabir. Cara yang demikian itu lebih suci bagi hatimu dan hati mereka..." (33:53)

Ni Allah ajor sahabat nabi ni. Sahabat nabi ni kawan2, jejaka2 yang paling mulia sekali selepas Rasulullah. Pastu ni dia nak mintak barang dgn isteri nabi nih. Isteri nabi ni pulak kawan2, wanita2 yang paling mulia jugak. ummahatul mu'minin... even ibu kepada sahabat2 Rasulullah yang mulia tu. Walaupun iman mereka subhanallah, mantap2 belaka Allah ajar mereka communicate belakang tabir.. takut timbul fitnah dalam hati.. Kalau kita ni lah... tak taulah nak kata. iman pun iman chipsmore lagi. kejap ada kejap takde. Tapi xnak dengar apa Allah ajar.. x taulah... Pikir2 lah...

Peace... out...

For a start...

This isn't actually my first blog but I guess this might be THE one. I keep on signing up for a new blog every now and then. funny that I just happen to get a new obsession around exam time. What's wrong with me? Guess I'm just a crazy lazy lady... It's good to have an excuse not to study. heh..

It really is cold in here. More than it is outside I think. Man.. I'm struggling hard to type this with a gloved hand. Still.. my hands are freezing! But no.. I'm not complaining... .:grin:. I'm loving this moment. every single second of it. My roomate is out to uni. So I have the room for myself in this sleepy sunday morning. No school tomorow.. nothing to worry about.. for now.. at least.. exam is coming next week though. Anyway.. it is so nice to sit around lazily on my comfy little bean bag with a cup of mocha drink... huh.. this is sooo gooooood...

Wait.. ya know what am I thinking about rite now?? hmm.. let's switch language.. malay sounds fun... .:wink:.

Selalunya aku tulis in english because I sound stupid in Malay.. ngehehe.. just kidding... Tapi it's true that I'm not good in Malay when it comes to writing.. see.. I'm still not switching.. ok.. aku ada masalah susah nak express things dalam bahasa sendiri. Mungkin sebab org melayu x berapa expressive kut.. mungkin aku byk baca novel picisan omputih. so aku x tau nak kata 'saya sayang awak'. aku cuma tau kata 'I love U'.. u know what I'm saying?? (should I say: korang tau ke apa aku kata ni? bearing in mind that I'm talking to no one coz probably nobody will ever read this.. tsk..tsk...)

Aku rasa aku rasa sgt bahagia at the moment sbb 2 days ago aku dah oficially tamat preclinical years aku. Tapi dalam bahagia aku tu ada jugak la sedikit terkilan. coursemate aku majority bukan islam. 2 tahun setengah aku duk mingle ngan diorg. tp aku x rasa aku dpt at least ubah perception diorg pasal islam. still.. diorg ingat islam tu jahat.. mengongkong... ganas... tak best.. aku x buat kerje aku as org islam. aku terkilan sgt2. banyak peluang aku ada nak cerita pasal agama aku yg best ni tp aku x buat. kenapa?? malu ke aku dgn agama aku ni?? aku sendiri pun x paham kenapa... aku doa kat Allah moga Allah ampunkan aku & bantu aku so that aku x fail lagi...

peace out..