Point of no return

I've abandoned my dear beanie bag for quite sometimes now.. no coffee either.. hehe.. nway.. who really cares..

Exam baru je habis. Not sure what to expect. Thought I did well... Tapi who knows.. Tawakal saje lah.. nothing left to do but lean back and pray. Alhamdulillah Allah helps me through it. Everything's smooth and silky.. a few bumps lah.. tp overall it was allright.

Habis exam ni tetiba all the urge, all the bright ideas of having fun just vanish... and I am left alone with a deep sorrow I just fail to understand. Too many regrets.. too many opportunities left untouched... Whatever.. brush it off.. istighfar.. and keep moving girl!! There's more to life than this whole self-pitying thing.. You can't move far if you kept looking back but do nothing about it.. action is what we need here... Don't just cry over your dying heart.. mend it.. fix it.. get a cardiologist if you need one... (so not funny..)

Aku akan pulang ke tanah air tak lama lagi. Mungkin itu yang menggugat ketenangan jiwaku. I'm not ready to go back... Terlalu besar cabarannya... Tak pernah aku betul2 berjaya mengkontrol diri kalau kat malaysia. Susah benar. paling kurang mesti ter 'engage' dgn borak2 tak berpekdah. Bila diajak berjumpa kawan2 lama apatah lagi. paling kurang adalah sekali ditanya 'dah ada boyfriend?'. lepas tu berlarut2 pasal lelaki.. 'takkan takde org lagi kut.?' 'lelaki kat sana takde yang hensem ke?' 'cari la sorang untuk aku sekali' arrggghhh... apa nak buat aku sengih saja lah.. susah2.. dunia mau kiamat.. xde pemisahan antara haq dan batil.. disini segalanya terlalu mudah... tiada siapa melarang aku utk berbuat baik.. tiada siapa pertikaikan aku bila aku push away semua lelaki2... yang aku dapat hanya penghormatan... tapi kalau di sana, if I keep doing what I do here, akulah kolot.. akulah jumud.. akulah berlagak best.. arggghhh... apekah ini.. baca quran in public bila ada masa lapang pun tak boleh ke?? pakai baju labuh sikit rimas orang tengok?? apa masalah?? Kenapa susah nak jadi muslim di negara islam?? kenapa?? kenapa?? tak paham aku kenapa kalo aku pergi oversea aku kena ada boyfriend.. aku kena pakai pakaian 'modern'.. aku kena berlagak minah saleh..

kesimpulannya.. suka hati akulah aku nak jadi apa... asal Allah suka... huh..

What's legal and what's right?

Saat ini aku tengah pening. Dah muak dah tengok lecture notes.. tengok cacing2, bakteria2, virus2, nanah2, najis2, kahak2, pustules dan sebagainya. Aku try baca ethics. Huh, menyusahkan hidup pulak Encik Ethics ni. Makcik lecturer keep on emphasizing 'you need to know the legal right in case you end up in court'. So, you need to know what's legal just to save your ass but you make your judgement according to your moral value?? does that make sense to anyone?? Why bother having 2 different sets of right?? can't we just have one?? THE one that'll suit both?

If someone refuse feeding by mouth, according to civil right you can't force them to eat but morally you are obliged not to let them starved to death. So what you do is you wait till he's mentally incompetent to decide on his own (low glucose make your mind deteriorate.. not a fun way to die.. dying is never fun though.. unless u r a martyr.. heh..) Then, you are now legally able to make a decision for them and feed them. Does that make sense to anyone?? Huh.. that seem pretty inconsistent to me.. not a perfect law..

Its legal for you to take a patient off his ventilator if he wanted to even you know that with Allah's will he'll definitely die without it but it's illegal for you to administer drug that'll kill him even if he asked you to because that's considered actively killing him. I thought you need some ATP to move your muscle to actually pull off the ventilator probably even more than it is needed to plunge a syringe into patient's I.V. and inject some lethal drug that'll make both of you go to hell (if you don't repent lah). And from what I learn in chemistry.. any activity requiring ATP is active. so.. wouldn't that mean you're actively killing the patient either way?? Does that make sense to anyone?? huh.. again.. it really really is not a perfect law..

And they say it all lies in the intention. Huh.. 1400 years ago that rule has been established by an unlettered man in the middle of the desert. Doesn't even need a genius fancy 'House of lords'... but why toss away the completely established law sent down by our Lord (not the lords who learn legal right from some kind of university taught by another mere mortal.. )??